Second Guessing, Everything

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I’ve been on a couple dates now. I’m beginning to realize that what everyone said initially, is right. I’m not ready for any of this. I never was. It’s gotten to a point where my own intuition is muddied and I’m second guessing every decision I make.

There is Spongebob, who seemed great but I haven’t heard from in nearly a week. There’s Maverick, who I have conversation battles with but begins nearly every story with, “So that girl who I met at the bar…” There’s Tony #2, who, let’s be honest, isn’t really interested but is using me as his backup. And then there’s you.

You aren’t right for me, and I know this and yet, here I am with you. I blame the fact that the sex is clouding my judgement. But the reality stands. You are looking for a tiny Asian girl, who has tattoos, rides a motorcycle, and likes to go out to drink. I only satisfy one of those requirements. Somehow psychology has won with proximity and exposure. Add to that the fact that you’ve been helpful despite all my broken bone. Really it’s the little things that won me over. The way you look at me before we kiss, the way you brush my hair off my neck, I know that if we started dating, we’d both be happy.

And now here I am, same M.O. as always. It’s nearly 7am and I haven’t gone to bed because you’re going to see her tonight. “We might be able to see each other after…or if not tomorrow.” I’m struggling to decide whether I should silence my intuition and jump OR just wave the white flag and go into solitude for awhile.